Alvin Greene

It should be no surprise to anyone here that I can't stand the South. I really, really, really can't stand the South. I don't know what it is about fat, bigoted, hateful, ignorant, Bible-thumping Republicans that irks me, but something just really doesn't work out. It seems like every year they show us some new way to be horrible. Well, this year has been especially fruitful. Today's story comes from, you guessed, good old South Carolina. Alright, Palmettos, break this one down for me.

On Tuesday, South Carolina held primary elections for the November mid-terms. Sitting for re-election this year in the state will be Jim DeMint, the same man that sponsored a bill to strip the City of Berkeley of $2.1 million of federal earmarks and give them to the Marine over the recruiting row. Obviously, a stalwart individual that would suck Ronald Reagan's neoconservative cock so hard the Alzheimer's would come out, given the chance. As a result of his horrible ideas, South Carolina loves him, so the re-election is really just a forgone conclusion. Hell, I even heard he'll have some time to go "hike the Appalachian Trail" to get his mind off of things. South Carolina's Democrats, apparently affected by a frightful case of electoral malaise, seem to have forgotten that they should still choose an actual viable candidate to oppose him, and instead just got drunk, watched NASCAR for hours, covered themselves in pork rind dust and mayonnaise, and nominated Alvin Greene.

"Who is Alvin Greene?", you might ask yourself. That would be the correct question. Alvin Greene is an unemployed veteran living with his father and currently facing felony obscenity charges over alleged showing porn to a girl at a library. Awesome. He was able to beat 4 time state Representative and current Charleston County council member Vic Rawl. By 18 fucking points. Without spending any money campaigning. By his own admission, he had no campaign rallies, buttons, lawn signs, staff, or website, his campaign instead moving forward through "informal meetings" and "word of mouth." More awesome.

To the electorate of South Carolina: go away. If you're not going to be an educated voter, don't be a voter. Please just go back to the Wal-Mart, buy some toys covered in lead paint, then haul your disgusting ass over to the Sonic, shove 3 gallons of milkshake down your multi-chinned gullet, go harass homosexuals who are doing absolutely nothing wrong to you, and then call it a day by fucking your equal horrible mate, continuing this cycle of pain for the rest of us. Please don't vote. If you can't realize how lucky you are to have that right and to take it seriously, you have absolutely no business exercising it.